Are you obsessed with someone you’ve never met? The dark side of parasocial relationships, explained.

You're scrolling through Instragram. You pause on a post from your favorite lifestyle guru. She's sharing her morning routine, complete with a perfectly framed latte and an inspirational quote. You've never met her, but you feel like you know her.

You've watched her videos, read her captions, and maybe even bought products she's recommended. In your mind, she's more than just a stranger on the internet, she's become a confidant - of sorts.

This is the essence of a parasocial relationship. It's a term coined in 1956 by sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl, long before the shitstorm of social media. They described it as an "illusion of face-to-face relationship with the performer."

What Horton and Wohl couldn't have predicted was how the digital age would supercharge these connections, creating a web of one-sided relationships that are eroding human relationships and creating an emotional whiplash of faux-intimacy.

The Psychological Allure

The idea of forming attachments to people we've never met might seem strange in the abstract. But the truth is, parasocial relationships are acting on fundamental human needs in a uniquely modern way.

Dr. Riard, a psychologist specializing in digital behavior, explains,

"A parasocial relationship fills a social need, basically what it's doing is filling a validation, acceptance, and a place of belonging need."

In an anxious, terrified, polarised, post-COVID world our real-life connections are fraught and complex. And parasocial relationships offer the safety of connection without the threat of vulnerability.

We’re not talking about edge cases here. We’re talking about ourselves. We’re talking about the lonely college student who finds comfort in the daily vlogs of a charismatic YouTuber. The middle-aged professional who feels a kinship with a podcast host who seems to articulate their innermost thoughts. These connections provide a sense of belonging and understanding that can be profoundly comforting. Even if it’s all a fucking illusion.

A Spectrum of Digital Attachment

Not all parasocial relationships are created equal. They exist on a spectrum, ranging from casual interest to intense obsession. On one end, we have what researchers call the "entertainment-social" level. This is the realm of the casual fan who enjoys a celebrity's work but maintains a healthy distance.

Further along the spectrum, we have the "intense-personal" level. Here, fans develop strong emotional attachments, often considering the celebrity a close friend or even a "soulmate." They may structure their day around the celebrity's social media posts or feel a deep sense of connection to the minutiae of their idol's life.

At the far end of the spectrum lies the "borderline-pathological" level. This is where parasocial relationships take a Kathy Bates turn, manifesting in obsessive behaviors, stalking, and a complete blurring of the lines between fantasy and reality.

Social Accelerants

While parasocial relationships have existed since the dawn of mass media (don’t forget, Horton and Wohl were talking about radio and TV), “social” media was a powerful accelerant. To put it bluntly, it threw gas on the raging fire of parasocial horsefuckery.

Professor Ofir Turel, an expert in digital behavior:

"Everything is accentuated online because now you have access to a much larger group of people... So, it's easy to believe that a person is telling just you about their life, not their 8 million other followers."

This illusion of intimacy is further fueled by the 24/7 nature of social media. You’re not restricted to a specific time slot. You practically live alongside these people you don’t even know.

The result is a constant stream of content that creates the illusion of a real relationship. Fans can wake up to their favorite influencer's morning routine, follow their workday through Instagram stories, and end the night with a livestream Q&A session. This level of access was un-fucking-imaginable just a few decades ago.

The Currency of Connection

For some content creators and influencers, these one-sided connections aren’t a byproduct of their work – it's a deliberate strategy.

By sharing personal details, responding to comments, and creating content that feels intimate and authentic, influencers can cultivate a loyal following. This following translates directly into economic value through sponsorships, merchandise sales, and ad revenue.

But it's not just the creators who invest in these relationships. Fans, too, often feel a sense of ownership and investment, encouraging donations during livestreams or purchasing products recommended by the influencer. It shows up in less tangible forms, too – time spent engaging with content, emotional energy invested in the parasocial relationship, and a sense of loyalty that can border on devotion.

Devotion’s Dark Side

This shit has a darker side. When these one-sided attachments become excessive, they can lead to a range of negative consequences.

When fans become overly invested in a parasocial relationship, they neglect their actual friendships and family relationships. The digital world becomes their primary source of social interaction, and their increased isolation skews their perception of social norms.

And the disconnect is real. Celebrities and influencers present a highly curated version of their lives on social media. Fans who compare their own lives to these idealized portrayals are only going to experience inadequacy and low self-esteem.

In extreme cases, parasocial relationships can lead to obsessive behaviors. Chappell Roan, a rising pop star, recently spoke out about “predatory” behavior from “superfans” who were overstepping boundaries. This kind of behavior not only invades the privacy of public figures but can also be deeply distressing for the fans themselves, who may struggle to distinguish between their parasocial relationship and reality.

A prime example: the unhinged, unending backlash Roan faced over whether or not she was endorsing Kamala Harris, with fans going to the mattresses to either attack or defend her. It wasn’t really about the election. It had fuck-all to do with politics.

It was about a celebrity failing to meet their fans’ parasocial expectations.

It’s Stan on steroids.

The Parasocial Tipping Point

How do we know when a parasocial relationship has crossed the line from harmless entertainment to unhealthy obsession?

Experts point to several red flags:

  1. Dysfunctional envy and jealousy: When fans become excessively envious of people in the celebrity's life or feel jealous of their other fans.
  2. All-consuming focus: If the parasocial relationship becomes one's "whole life," dominating thoughts and activities.
  3. Personal investment in criticism: Taking criticism of the celebrity as a personal judgment or attack.
  4. Neglect of real-world relationships: Prioritizing the parasocial relationship over actual friends and family.
  5. Financial strain: Spending beyond one's means on products, donations, or experiences related to the celebrity.

I’m calling it now. Parasocial relationships are going to dominate even more of our social landscape. With the rise of virtual and augmented reality, fans will be able to go further and deeper into hyper-immersive, seemingly intimate experiences with public figures like never before. The line between fantasy and reality is about to blur even further.

This is not a good thing.

These are artificial, one-sided relationships.

Parasocial relationships speak to a fundamental human truth – our deep-seated need for connection and belonging. We’ve created a world that feels isolating and impersonal, and these digital bonds offer a form of social connection that fills a very real need; but only in the same way that eating cotton balls fills your stomach.

Our odds of eliminating these relationships are slim to fuck. All we can hope to do is contextualize them within a broader, healthier social framework; understanding the nature of parasocial relationships, recognizing their place in our digital lives, and maintaining a balance with real-world connections. Any balance. Any at all.

Otherwise, we’ll be left chasing attachment in a world of mirrors, mistaking digital ghosts for the real thing — and losing ourselves in the reflection.